“ Learning to transform fear into positive fighting energy”

I’ve been wrapped in this book more in the last 24 hours than the last 3 years that it has been a part of my personal library. I dozed off reading in the midst of healing from trauma: owning yourself.

The way my brain has taken to make sense since of just that…… When I was younger my parents had two Rottweilers. Jax- he was the larger of the two and the baby girl Jada she was just a puppy. I grew up with tough dogs though, and although I cannot for the life of me recall all the things.. With that being voiced Jax and Jada hold a particular sempiternal [ sem-pi-tur-nl] place in my memory because….. although I don’t recall my age, I recall a house and other memories of voiced house. We called it the pink house

.

The reason Jax and Jada hold such an everlasting place in my memory is because as a miniscule lady, I recall taking these two on a walk by myself. A little giant I know myself to be, they utterly dominated me. Dragging me who knows where or for how long by a leash I could not let go of.. I feared my fathers reaction more than being “ Dog Walked.” It took some time to heal the forehead to chin scar that I was left with no regrets though, therefore Jax and Jada have owned a part of a pain for me all these years. In some way Jax and Jada were more valuable than my life was the story I’m listening to myself in holding on to that leash more than likely behind my learning the hard way doing something I was told not to do anyway.

Now that you know who Jax and Jada are…

I dozed off reading. At the moment there are times when it is extremely strenuous to wake myself up, it feels as if pressure is being applied from an unknown source, like a weight I don’t want and so it is a struggle to rise from the sporadically resting state I’ve been in. Usually leaves me feeling extremely heavy with pains in random places and as of recently tension headaches.

This particular dream walk was chaotic and the part I would fancy making sense of is the part where Jax and Jada come in. I’m in this space. I’m certain I’ve lived before or been in before it’s just a wreck with a pathway. Perhaps somewhere that’s being remodeled and has been remodeled for sometime, in my perspective I’m attempting to retain a barrier with the hope of keeping something “a white dog” on their side of the fence essentially. Imagine it is a crawl attic space. You know it’s not an immensely utilized space, it’s mostly dark, unfinished and serves as storage for the supplies needed to finish the build and more forgotten things than not.

Nevertheless, somebody’s trying to inherit access into this space I’m in with Jax and Jada and a litter of puppies. I’ve found myself on defense given the remainder of the chaos of this particular dream, it’s got me on edge and I don’t like it. The “white dog“ breaks through whatever worn out baseboard type pre-built barrier that was there and I scramble to protect Jax, Jada and the litter. Reaching out with my right hand I put up a quick barrier grabbing the nearest forgotten object without turning my back on what “white dog” just broke through and once compelled I quickly turned on my heels to the next threshold. This other threshold did not look too far from the abandoned attic space I’m in.

As I’m nearing Jax, a pull. His dominance, the fear I’ve earned is not pulling me on that leash anymore.

At this moment. It’s to protect me.

He’s pulling to protect me and I’m pushing to protect him. In a blink of an eye he’s past me, guarding me as I’m scrambling backward now, toward Jada and the litter. Reaching the threshold I’m attempting again to create a barrier to retain the safety of Jada which is blipping in and out of my vision as I’m grabbing the excited pups, my eyes are glued on Jax and “ the other dogs”. Because now it isn’t a “white dog” it feels as if there are at least multiple threats.

He’s enforcing his protection. No barking, no growling, just a large and muscular short coat Black with rust tan accents from this angle muscular and protecting me. They simply vanish, and the white dog that acquired initial access took off long before my reaching the threshold or writing this, I’m assuming in search of whom they were looking for to begin with.

I have long since been dog walked. Yet to this day I still step back when I see rottweilers. my fear of Jax and Jada given the scar I was left with had me jumping between initially retaining distance from them except a threat presented itself and without thought to protect them.

As a result I’ve taken to analyzing myself. Due to fear of punishment if I lost Jax and Jada I put my life on the back burner, and then due to a fear of them after the fact I didn’t trust their presence. Something was attempting to enter a space I was in and clearly I was not okay with that. It wasn’t until after having felt worthy of protecting did I have the confirmation to reinforce a boundary “ the abandoned attic crawl space”. You’ll understand how I’ve done as a result here in just a bit if you retain reading this in its entirety. I am readily a self taught self assist type of person, I’ve been through some things and I aim to understand what makes me act the way that I do. It’s generally when I’m at a breaking point that I reach for a shoulder to lay on for some safety in rest.

Now the gag is in times when as difficult as it can be to pull myself out of a dream walk I can succeed and at a moment’s notice a hero could be born. Within the haze of pulling myself upright walking to my desk to retrieve my laptop and here now I’ve come into the positive fighting energy. Not completely disconnected from this dream state and not entirely connected to the presence.

DIY remodeling. That imagined abandoned attic and it’s being utilized as space serving as storage.

Now a warm and intimate studio. With wood beams layered in sandy beige silk wrapping the ceiling with curtain draping. In repairing the west wall where the base board barrier was broken through due to structural problems and abandonment. A sunken floor design features an arched built in shelf housing a few 13”x 13” x 7” | 1.8 lbs unbleached organic cotton-linen made with intention warm saffron gold meditation cushions and boosters, warm neutral yoga mat and the pilates essentials - three resistance level loop and long resistance bands, a compact and portable soft pilates ball, a toning ring, adjustable weight bands, some sculpt dumbbells, a jump rope, yoga blocks, some recovery massage balls, a recovery foam roller, candles and in the lower levels are the enclosed shelves storing sanitary massage equipment… sheets, headrest covers, blankets, and towels.

Two earth toned 100% cotton rope beaded macrame door curtains for the south walls double entry ways, between the floor to ceiling wooden Scandinavian inspired slat wall partition room divider and a blush pink oval massage table. Walking in with your head toward the east completes the sunken floor and a diy Ikea prebuilt IAR shelf sides hack turned room divider for this magical corner, of simple functionality furniture with clean lines utilizing the matte exposed brick and a neon sign lighting up thoughtfulness to search the wild until… inhale, exhale. From that second threshold you’re facing the north wall… where three floor to ceiling rounded top beautiful lighted mirrors as well as three unique imported XL globe floor lamps minimalistically illuminating the stage of this earth tones + warm neutral studio’s open + airy with minimal clutter abundantly. To the left a tucked ceramic planter “ garden bed” littered with ceramic vases of indoor greenery such as a bonsai tree, fiddle leaf, snake plant, and ferns. I’m curious if I ever took to cutting a hole in the ceiling for the sky light.

Okay okay, and in the midst of writing this I phoned my father to invite him to piece together the puzzle of Jax and Jada with me. My mom helped more than he did. She says I was in 2nd grade which is typically 7 or 8 years old and I guess I had the bright notion to wear roller skates and walk the Jax and Jada. Living embodiment in letting intrusive thoughts win.

One thing for certain I decided how to fight, given the knowledge consumed in any time and my fear’s transformed.

Decisive Fighting Energy!

Sitting here and contemplating.

I’ve read a book, called the wedding day by jasmine gillioury

Romance novels are how I treat myself. The accountabilities in actions taken. What are you going to succeed in ? Sometime in 2023 I purchased a simply designed card stock. They.re dated and sealed with a message. They’re a sort of Open if or When concept!

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I have a rapport with abuse, there are many variables to abuse. At times it comes up full force and I’ve acquired some accommodations. I vocalize things to make it make sense.

This is my rewriting a pattern in real time. welcome to prioritizing in real time something accomplished. Hear me out when I express that abuse started at home for me. Thinking out loud….. I’ve not yet aimed to disrespect my parents in this, I’m standing up for myself. As hard as that can be. I’m always grieving, what was the aim for you when it pertained to me?

Being a mother, becoming a parent. I be, in the presence of women with dreadful mouths speaking on their Motherhood! I adore being a mom. I take to an internal battle behind the desire to acknowledge gratitude for the opportunity, things and person I choose to have a child with. While also swallowing the abuse and betrayals. The only thing I knew I wanted to succeed at was embodying motherhood.

I acquire hurt in my heart, feeling in my soul without disrespecting or discrediting another parent. The gift of children. struggling with speaking to my parents, parenting. You telling me, you hate being a mother while I silently suffer about being stripped of mine ? I don’t foresee my motherhood not weighing on my heart. Being a mother affects me. It means something to me. The gravity of being a parent. Has caused a lot of hurt. As a child and a parent. I write and talk a lot about how he and I had to cultivate together. We went through it together. At the enormous age I am there are choices I would have made differently.

Those burdens that weigh on you, where can you lay them down ?

A tik tok triggered me, that’s why abuse and motherhood are showing up for me.

In the form of a pattern or abuse, take to training.

“ I have to continue to be shown and given the opportunity to select the same thing over and over again or select the new thing. “

If I stop the pattern, I inherit the treat. I wish instead of repeating the abusive quotes that were projected on me, I changed the quote in the moment, affirming myself in that moment.

I survived You, you taught me how to survive You. Hearing all my life the world is not kind. Teaching me the outside world is a scary place. As a result I was equipped tools to survive YOU. A lot of the things I was equipped with was to survive abusive tendencies. The hardest rewire has been trusting myself. After I made the choice to succeed in abuse. Now I know that sound bizarre, I chose to succeed in abuse. Yeah, actually I did!

1. Stockholm syndrome - Having known abuse, I know attraction to abusive mannerism. I developed a positivity in the capacity to handle the science behind mechanisms in my system that I defaulted to. You know fancy preprogrammed energy and a known resonance of abuse because It’s familiar.

Projection- people display images, video’s or some other thing onto the surface. It’s not me, it’s their projection. I’m the surface they’re utilizing. I’m the surface putting on the view of the things for another I actually had no parts in.

“ Words are living. “ - Dani

The words you gave life to toward me displayed everything for me.

In a class I took, we collaged quite a few times and it’s challenging for me not to utilize words to pull things. I am a collector of words!

And I’ve framed my trust. because, to really trust yourself. given everything you have made it through! To learn how to re-earn your own trust.

I FRAMED MY TRUST!

I feel delighted about trusting my decision making now and when the embarrassment around some choices takes the stage, because of abuse.

I have had to earn my own trust.

My hope is that you’re able to frame your trust. to trust yourself. to be trusted.

She was in a restraint chair. Her voice is inaudible like a silent movie. I'm just witnessing her screaming into the silence.

Her anger. It’s refined itself.

Patient. Restrained, Sharpened into something intentional.

She doesn’t break things, just to look attentively at them as they shatter.

Her anger does NOT consume. It dissects.

SHE does not want to be destroyed. She desires to fix it.

She cleans up the mess…. She Rewrites the plan.

She couldn’t stand watching things fall apart anymore.. All of this, in witnessing

Her aggression while being restrained;

Later when it lights out, I return.

She's sitting cross legged on a heavily weighted twin bed.

There’s an orange glow coming in from the outdoor lights, the only view is that other side of the hospital.

She’s not startled by my presence…

It’s the antipsychotic sedation.

I say, Hi shyly.

We sat in silent silence for a long while

Not looking at her, I don’t catch her looking at me.

She goes to say I know you from somewhere…

I smirk shyly, you asking?

I don’t know where I know you from, you feel so familiar. She says

Do I feel familiar? What does that feel like I ask?

Relaxing, she says.

I do my best not to gaze at her in amazement.

Permission to sit down beside you, I say.

She agrees very quickly, In need of connection,

I settle in beside her, finally we look at each other. In the eyes.

Both of us suddenly confused in its entirety.

What do you want from me? she says with what polite spark of life she’s holding onto.

Just to take a moment, and slow down with you.

Why would you do that with me ?

Sweet girl, do you not want me to sit here and take a moment with you? I almost snap back.

I don’t like my hope questioned. I say gentler.

Why’s that, she says?

May I share a story of what happened with you.

What happened to who asks lil Ladeè

The story of what happened to you…..

The thing of it is, it all ends here. As my hands trace about the room.

I end here, she asks?

Yah, I say…so clearly.

Not like your no longer earth side….

As I witness her slowly becoming I speed up my pace in talking.

You’re here because,

because of the hope that the abandonment and depression ended.

You are dysregulated.

Dysregulated she repeats.

turning her head sideways and fixing her face in a scrunch.

Yes, I say. You have yet to trust in your ability to understand or control your emotions.

What did it take for me to learn to understand my emotions. ?

Sweet girl, you observe beyond what is!

You belong to what will be.

No matter how impossible it seems.

You’ll have a lot you’ll want to do, to see things

through requires exposure and disciplined work with you,

Also cleaning up enough messes, Forces you to learn your emotions.

I observe a lot, I have quite the imagination

and I learned control because of my messes I had to clean up. She asks.

Yes, as well as a few you didn’t make, I reply.

You’ll meet plenty of people who will impose their own restraint upon you.

They won’t want you to leave their version of reality.

Thankfully and with help, you don’t let them.

Because you have the guts to ask …. Because you’re bold.

You will know disappointed intimately which

will helplessly blanket your sadness…….

There is always, in all ways a price to pay for

People pleasing is not your responsibility, sweet girl!

You cannot be trained as in prepared, only guided as in inspired

empowered and supported whilst you come home to your gifts and purpose,

and mission.

I stop, jaded.

So I’ll experience people who will want to live their dream through me?

Yes, I say.

And I don’t let them, no, you won’t.

I say, a smile creeping.

You are a rebel with a cause!

What does that even mean, she asks ?

It means you being an alienated teen and through your adventures and misadventures;

You see problems and work toward solutions.

She brushes her thumb pad over self inflicted scars .

Covered by a tattoo.

How did you get this scar, she asks

That was our struggle with insecurity, acceptance and self-esteem.

You tried to color it in? She enquiries softly. Still brushing the Queen of Hearts Tattoo.

I did, a few times, I say.

How did I become so strong, she asks!

They punished you as a mother, and you had taken enough hits.

You HAD ENOUGH, I say with the heart of a lion/wolf.

.

I’m a mother, she perks up….

Yes, as I came back from the war in my chest in response to motherhood..

We’ve only shared our body and brought him Earthside.

His name is Daconi, loving him teaches you the sense to fight for love.

He means a sacred connection to land and being loved by him exposes you to what its like.

to what you value in feeling wanted;

Wow, we had a child. Are we still with Daconi’s Dad?

Yes, just the one child for now. We take care of each kid that comes home to us though.

I smile, setting to go off into a tangent . I think better of it and trail into

Uh, no. Daconi’s dad and I do not stay together.

Do I ever get a boyfriend again after having a Daconi?

I almost burst into full blown laughter

.

Pleased and nervous.. I lead with;

You are more loved than you know!

With life finally returning to her eyes.

I told her… You’ll later find out what you

Thought you were attracted to changes.

Changes ? she asks

Yes, you value depth. I state mattarfactly

What I do know is the next person you commit yourself to.

• Our values have to align.

• They’ll have to have heart.

• They show appreciation for your attention to detail and assist as only they can.

• They’ll have healthy emotional expressions.

• They’ll listen to their intuition.

• They’ll understand our feelings in reassurance, that we are loved and that no one is mad at us.

• They’ll have a strong sense of community and belonging.

• They’ll adore our sacredness in sentimental items and our refusal to let go of said corny items.

• You will respect that they’re upfront about their intentions and desires.

• You will honor and appreciate their individuality and integrity.

• You won’t be able to get enough intellectual exchanges with some flirting. Of course.

• There will be freedom to alter and evolve.

• We will recognize and appreciate each other’s work,

• We will definitely have some theatrical moments.

• We will definitely go on adventures worth talking about over and over again.

To love and be loved.

• Together it is safe to share our talents and creativity.

We think for ourselves, challenging outdated standards. we release, ourselves from doing and simply BE who we want. To have our uniqueness honored and appreciated, we love to be surrounded by bodies of water. prioritizing on time for connection and ample solitude. Together holding space to explore creativity and artistic expression. We’ll commit to an intense, wholesome abundant , without worry or burnout devoted love. We’ll commit to a world where our sensitivity and compassion are strengths.

Uh, I apologize. I should stop talking now.

NO, thank you. she says. I love, love.

As I look in her eyes seeing her taking it all in. genuinely gently…

“ What ? “ she says.

Hmmm, that’s something that alters much.

what’s that she asks a little too aggressive.

Your suspicions about another watching you.

You have this thing because of coming here,

That when someone observes you it’s misgiving.

Misgiving? Don’t you have your doubts about truly being seen. She asks ?

I have an uneasiness with what they’re assuming in an attempt to uncover. I’d rather have the conversation.

You look tired, I say.

Lil Ladeè, begins to lay down.

As I gently slide off, as to provide her space to rest. I say gently.

I love you, You Are Beautiful. I trust YOU.

She’s comfortable, you can tell she’s rubbing her feet together.

AYYEE YOOO,

I express louder, as she’s setting to drift into sleep.

What she fixes her mouth to say,

Watch how you talk to me.

The weight of your words, your tone of voice

MATTER to ME.

We cannot move through this if you become something I cannot respect.

If you become who talks down to me.

She says almost inaudible…wait when will I see you again ?

Any time, anyplace, in any way I respond, with a cheeky smirk.

The separation between you and I nearly killed me.

Here and now our time is simply beginning.

If and when you feel up to it. I’ll meet you in all the things we love together.

As I slip into a shadow in her room. Her face is peaceful, eager, yet innocent and warm…I turn on my heels to protect her in the dark as she rests up. I take a box breath, inhaling for a count of 4, holding my breath at the top for a count of 4 exhaling for a count of 8.

I command; Restraints OFF

chapter fourteen: Lil Ladeè - Restraints

That’s it for me today ya’ll. I just want to leave this message with you.

Carve up the courage and get things done. Come in here showing me a better version of you!

Because what I want to hear about is how delighted you are about the person you’ve become.

Stay willing to learn. just to love you better.. One thing at a time. Refocus your thoughts. Speak what you want!

Talk soon…

.

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I left too soon. I turned and walked away. Because I wanted your attention, I destroyed things and made you feel like I’d preferred something else to being raised by you.

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License to do as one prefers;  

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Here I am, because I'm under a blanket of lament. Expressing my own grief..tears. 

There were an uncountable amount of moments you have, well thoughts or fantasy?Hmmm… my imagination i’ve accepted fouls: plays, chases, kicking up, learning. 

Like wild horses run. I often accept that for myself mentally. 

I set about typing because I was in the dark at the time of writing off all of the things I couldn’t resist anymore. Why do you come to mind so often!

Not a question, just a curiosity. I replay so many opportunities that perhaps in your space of opening up to me that I’ve somehow made YOU feel dismissed. That perhaps the indifference that coups up is in the ability to share meaningfulness about the sense of self we’ve aimed to create. Which proceeds with just perhaps we shouldn’t have. 

I like to think in the moments that I stand or am simply next to you enveloped in bragging about you, like I've earned the right to boast about you in some way that I've again overstepped an unspecified thing. You see, I think I bided much. 

In the beginning and now I aim to avoid or ignore any pass of obtaining anything pertaining to YOU to anything less than bewilderment and sovereignty. To anything less than confusion and liberation. 

This feeling of rejection looking at me one too many times, it's a face remembering yours. Has falling in love with a fantasy not yet worked out well for me ?

Honestly, witnessing my own rejections. if it is my fault… I might be able to do something about it! I often re-run some of the…rejections that I've left w/ behind you. I guess not by your doing specifically. inSECURity is setting the stage at this moment. 

I’d like to share something that even writing this has my throat setting to close up and tears on speed dial. 

There was a moment a second if you will. It was the one and only time my eyes searched and found yours ... .I couldn’t hear nor understand much. I felt frozen seeking reprimand. Have you been scolded by someone else's look ?

I found it later that day, after for the first time I felt cast aside by you. 

No ounce of emotion from you. 

You did find a way to scold me, in hush tones or perhaps that was just me sitting with the gravity of “abandoned” you walked away without acknowledging my existence. Some non physical part of me followed you. It took some recalling to not energetically round that corner with you. I don’t blame nor fault you. My hope is that my actions showcased respecting you. A bonafide lover in every since. I’ve put off making sense of the things that come up for ME when it pertains to you. 

And then, there’s the intoxicating attention I received from you one night only ... .Three things are coming up for me in this moment and I’ll hold space, much might surface and for that I thank you if you’ve gotten this far. 

I’ve had to put the pen down a few times.

1. I adore your watching me, I try not to draw attention to it when I can. this night in particular you were, it made a felt sense. I could feel your esteem. Your eyes were trained on me, having yet held a conversation with another. I didn’t have to look directly at you, to feel an esteem emitting from you.

2. You're breathing me in, inhaling me. I spoke on how I thought you disliked my scent. You’ve not yet commented on my scent before and also you’ve not noticeably inhaled my aura or perhaps you’ve kept that bit a secret. I’m uncertain. Scent talks to me though, therefore you making it known your scenting me means something to me!

3. You allowed me to be affectionate in so many ways. That surprised me! I am a very affectionate individual and to have my fondness felt or received… yeah;

I cannot bring myself to recall the kisses nor how that even began, I have for the sake of fragile feelings opted to not feel those. W/ an awareness that drunk and drinking have a great taste to this nights unfolding. 

No matter, that! much was brought to light and here we are. I can cope with fantasy, as I have much of my life because imagination is artistry. This writing, our sacred moments are all very fucking real! I am a whole person with blankets that have covered me in abandonment, abuse, neglect and rejection. 

I again and again have tended to my avoidant personality, family problems, blended family issues, communication issues, relationship issues, guilt, shame, panic attacks, PTSD, addictions, trauma and abuse.

So when you express “ I like her”, do you mean -you ease my presence and we can live in each other's lives. or do you mean love in each other, you have feelings for me and that you don’t desire anybody that is not you having the attention I give/gave you. Is it like an eye on me or do we simply benefit each other’s community ?

And this tendency to avoid emotional closeness and into me you see. Don’t you pull and have pulled away before it became meaningful for real.

That night; was real and it's taking up space that is hard to organize on my own since I've walked away from knowing you. In this writing I am given space, and reaching out. 

Truth is I retain such a gentleness about you. we relate much it’s hard not write affirmations on the mirror!!

I haven’t taken rejection so damn personally and yet not.

This tending to the desired, not yet kept. To the confusion, not yet liberated. 

This tending to the not invited.

Eyes down……. IF I cannot see you 

perhaps also you will not look toward me.