chapter fourteen: Restraint
Lil Ladeè
I met her at Providence Inpatient Psychiatric, the teen unit.
She was in a restraint chair. Her voice is inaudible like a silent movie. I'm just witnessing her screaming into the silence.
Her anger. It’s refined itself.
Patient. Restrained, Sharpened into something intentional.
She doesn’t break things, just to look attentively at them as they shatter.
Her anger does NOT consume. It dissects.
SHE does not want to be destroyed. She desires to fix it.
She cleans up the mess…. She Rewrites the plan.
She couldn’t stand watching things fall apart anymore.. All of this, in witnessing
Her aggression while being restrained;
Later when it lights out, I return.
She's sitting cross legged on a heavily weighted twin bed.
There’s an orange glow coming in from the outdoor lights, the only view is that other side of the hospital.
She’s not startled by my presence…
It’s the antipsychotic sedation.
I say, Hi shyly.
We sat in silent silence for a long while
Not looking at her, I don’t catch her looking at me.
She goes to say I know you from somewhere…
I smirk shyly, you asking?
I don’t know where I know you from, you feel so familiar. She says
Do I feel familiar? What does that feel like I ask?
Relaxing, she says.
I do my best not to gaze at her in amazement.
Permission to sit down beside you, I say.
She agrees very quickly, In need of connection,
I settle in beside her, finally we look at each other. In the eyes.
Both of us suddenly confused in its entirety.
What do you want from me? she says with what polite spark of life she’s holding onto.
Just to take a moment, and slow down with you.
Why would you do that with me ?
Sweet girl, do you not want me to sit here and take a moment with you? I almost snap back.
I don’t like my hope questioned. I say gentler.
Why’s that, she says?
May I share a story of what happened with you.
What happened to who asks lil Ladeè
The story of what happened to you…..
The thing of it is, it all ends here. As my hands trace about the room.
I end here, she asks?
Yah, I say…so clearly.
Not like your no longer earth side….
As I witness her slowly becoming I speed up my pace in talking.
You’re here because,
because of the hope that the abandonment and depression ended.
You are dysregulated.
Dysregulated she repeats.
turning her head sideways and fixing her face in a scrunch.
Yes, I say. You have yet to trust in your ability to understand or control your emotions.
What did it take for me to learn to understand my emotions. ?
Sweet girl, you observe beyond what is!
You belong to what will be.
No matter how impossible it seems.
You’ll have a lot you’ll want to do, to see things
through requires exposure and disciplined work with you,
Also cleaning up enough messes, Forces you to learn your emotions.
I observe a lot, I have quite the imagination
and I learned control because of my messes I had to clean up. She asks.
Yes, as well as a few you didn’t make, I reply.
You’ll meet plenty of people who will impose their own restraint upon you.
They won’t want you to leave their version of reality.
Thankfully and with help, you don’t let them.
Because you have the guts to ask …. Because you’re bold.
You will know disappointed intimately which
will helplessly blanket your sadness…….
There is always, in all ways a price to pay for
People pleasing is not your responsibility, sweet girl!
You cannot be trained as in prepared, only guided as in inspired
empowered and supported whilst you come home to your gifts and purpose,
and mission.
I stop, jaded.
So I’ll experience people who will want to live their dream through me?
Yes, I say.
And I don’t let them, no, you won’t.
I say, a smile creeping.
You are a rebel with a cause!
What does that even mean, she asks ?
It means you being an alienated teen and through your adventures and misadventures;
You see problems and work toward solutions.
She brushes her thumb pad over self inflicted scars .
Covered by a tattoo.
How did you get this scar, she asks
That was our struggle with insecurity, acceptance and self-esteem.
You tried to color it in? She enquiries softly. Still brushing the Queen of Hearts Tattoo.
I did, a few times, I say.
How did I become so strong, she asks!
They punished you as a mother, and you had taken enough hits.
You HAD ENOUGH, I say with the heart of a lion/wolf.
.
I’m a mother, she perks up….
Yes, as I came back from the war in my chest in response to motherhood..
We’ve only shared our body and brought him Earthside.
His name is Daconi, loving him teaches you the sense to fight for love.
He means a sacred connection to land and being loved by him exposes you to what its like.
to what you value in feeling wanted;
Wow, we had a child. Are we still with Daconi’s Dad?
Yes, just the one child for now. We take care of each kid that comes home to us though.
I smile, setting to go off into a tangent . I think better of it and trail into
Uh, no. Daconi’s dad and I do not stay together.
Do I ever get a boyfriend again after having a Daconi?
I almost burst into full blown laughter
.
Pleased and nervous.. I lead with;
You are more loved than you know!
With life finally returning to her eyes.
I told her… You’ll later find out what you
Thought you were attracted to changes.
Changes ? she asks
Yes, you value depth. I state mattarfactly
What I do know is the next person you commit yourself to.
Our values have to align.
They’ll have to have heart.
They show appreciation for your attention to detail and assist as only they can.
They’ll have healthy emotional expressions.
They’ll listen to their intuition.
They’ll understand our feelings in reassurance, that we are loved and that no one is mad at us.
They’ll have a strong sense of community and belonging.
They’ll adore our sacredness in sentimental items and our refusal to let go of said corny items.
You will respect that they’re upfront about their intentions and desires.
You will honor and appreciate their individuality and integrity.
You won’t be able to get enough intellectual exchanges with some flirting. Of course.
There will be freedom to alter and evolve.
We will recognize and appreciate each other’s work,
We will definitely have some theatrical moments.
We will definitely go on adventures worth talking about over and over again.
To love and be loved.
Together it is safe to share our talents and creativity.
We think for ourselves, challenging outdated standards. we release, ourselves from doing and simply BE who we want. To have our uniqueness honored and appreciated, we love to be surrounded by bodies of water. prioritizing on time for connection and ample solitude. Together holding space to explore creativity and artistic expression. We’ll commit to an intense, wholesome abundant , without worry or burnout devoted love. We’ll commit to a world where our sensitivity and compassion are strengths.
Uh, I apologize. I should stop talking now.
NO, thank you. she says. I love, love.
As I look in her eyes seeing her taking it all in. genuinely gently…
“ What ? “ she says.
Hmmm, that’s something that alters much.
what’s that she asks a little too aggressive.
Your suspicions about another watching you.
You have this thing because of coming here,
That when someone observes you it’s misgiving.
Misgiving? Don’t you have your doubts about truly being seen. She asks ?
I have an uneasiness with what they’re assuming in an attempt to uncover. I’d rather have the conversation.
You look tired, I say.
Lil Ladeè, begins to lay down.
As I gently slide off, as to provide her space to rest. I say gently.
I love you, You Are Beautiful. I trust YOU.
She’s comfortable, you can tell she’s rubbing her feet together.
AYYEE YOOO,
I express louder, as she’s setting to drift into sleep.
What she fixes her mouth to say,
Watch how you talk to me.
The weight of your words, your tone of voice
MATTER to ME.
We cannot move through this if you become something I cannot respect.
If you become who talks down to me.
She says almost inaudible…wait when will I see you again ?
Any time, anyplace, in any way I respond, with a cheeky smirk.
The separation between you and I nearly killed me.
Here and now our time is simply beginning.
If and when you feel up to it. I’ll meet you in all the things we love together.
As I slip into a shadow in her room. Her face is peaceful, eager, yet innocent and warm…I turn on my heels to protect her in the dark as she rests up. I take a box breath, inhaling for a count of 4, holding my breath at the top for a count of 4 exhaling for a count of 8.
I command; Restraints OFF
chapter fourteen: Lil Ladeè - Restraints
That’s it for me today ya’ll. I just want to leave this message with you.
Carve up the courage and get things done. Come in here showing me a better version of you!
Because what I want to hear about is how delighted you are about the person you’ve become.
Stay willing to learn. just to love you better.. One thing at a time. Refocus your thoughts. Speak what you want!
Talk soon…
.